Author: Anonymous Page 86

Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.

Emotions Love Sex

Spouse: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

Definitions Marriage

“The prisoners set up a company,” the warden confirmed.

Tom Swifties

Don't count your chickens until you see the whites of their eyes.

Mixed metaphors

Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

Books Communication

It was so cold… when we milked the cows, we got ice cream.

Cold Exaggerations Science/Weather

It ain't a pretty sight for the ears.

Mixed metaphors

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

Definitions

She is so fat… she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Married at the hip

Mixed metaphors

“I bought myself fifty hamburgers and I’ve only ten left,” said Tom with fortitude.

Tom Swifties

Court Of Law: A place where a suit is pressed and a man maybe taken to the cleaners.

Definitions Law

Flying saucers are just an optical conclusion.

Malaprops

Puberty: The awkward age when a child is too old to say something cute and too young to say something sensible.

Age Definitions

I have my doubts about disbelief.

Miscellaneous

Always be nice to people on the way up because you'll meet the same people on the way down.

Characteristics People Success

“I punched him in the stomach three times,” said Tom triumphantly.

Tom Swifties

“I got this ballpoint pen from a Yugoslav friend”, said Tom acerbically.

Tom Swifties

“That young insect is male,” said Tom buoyantly.

Tom Swifties

“Those hookers are putting notices in the personals”, Tom advised.

Tom Swifties

Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.

Definitions