Author: Anonymous Page 88

He is so fat… when his beeper goes off, people think he's backing up.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Lawyer: Men whom we hire to protect us from lawyers.

Definitions Lawyers

The town had the coldest temperature in all the contagious states.

America Malaprops Places

CPR: An emergency exercise that helps concerned onlookers feel useful while the victim expires.

Definitions Health

Jack Benny played Mendelsson last night… Mendelsson lost.

Entertainment Music

Makes the hair stand up on the edge of my seat

Mixed metaphors

Bargain: A transaction in which each party thinks he has cheated the other.

Definitions Shopping

Good Neighbor: One who doesn’t borrow his garden hose back too often.

Definitions

Distant Relative: One who can be very distant – especially when he has lots of money.

Definitions Family

Absolute Zero: The lowest grade attainable on a test.

Definitions Education School

Bargain: Something you can’t use, at a price you can’t resist.

Activities Definitions Shopping

“I’m about to hit the golf ball,” Tom forewarned.

Tom Swifties

Drug: A substance that, when injected into a guinea pig, produces a scientific paper.

Activities Definitions Drugs Science/Weather

Fiddlesticks: Violin bows.

Definitions

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Situations

I feel like death eatin’ a soda cracker.

Expressions Health

“I’ve still got two fingers left,” said Tom handsomely.

Tom Swifties

Like having a large wardrobe fall on top of you with the key still in the lock.

Sex

“I used to command a battalion of German ants,” said Tom exuberantly.

Tom Swifties

Bank Robber: A guy who gets alarmed easily.

Definitions

“I make the armor out of chain links,” Tom replied by mail.

Tom Swifties