Author: Anonymous Page 89

If you look like your passport photo, you’re too sick to travel.

Appearance

Users: Computer users are divided into three types: Novice users: people who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate users: people who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. Expert users: people who break other people's computers.

Computers Definitions People Things

Yankee: The same as a quickie, but you can do it by yourself.

Definitions

“I wrote the book on that subject”, said Tom authoritatively.

Tom Swifties

Sterile Solution: Vasectomy.

Definitions

Adam wasn’t always the brightest tool.

Mixed metaphors

“Ouch! When I get stung, I want revenge,” said Tom begrudgingly.

Tom Swifties

Time may be a great healer, but’s it’s a lousy beautician.

Appearance Health Time

“I told you not to ride that horse,” Tom nagged.

Tom Swifties

A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.

Work

Democracy: A state of mind in which every man is as good as every other man, provided he really is.

Definitions Democracy Government

Bureaucracy is based on a willingness to either pass the buck or spend it.

Government

An allowance is what you pay your children to live with you.

Children Definitions Family

Falsies: A helpful aid to any girl in acquiring a disappointed husband.

Appearance Clothing Definitions

Handicap: An allocation of strokes on one or more holes that permits two golfers of very different ability to do equally poorly on the same course.

Definitions Golf Sports

Philanthropist: One who gives away what he should give back.

Definitions

Diet: selection of foods for people who are thick and tired of it.

Definitions Food/Drink

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Government Intelligence Law

The early worm is being picked first.

Mixed metaphors

I'd like to give you a going-away present… but you have to do your part.

Insults

“My wife is cheating on me,” Tom cackled.

Tom Swifties