Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Anonymous Page 9
“Doctor, why do you have to remove my womb?” asked Mary hysterically.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
Makeup: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush which ironically makes Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”
Anonymous
Appearance
Definitions
Makeup
“Why don’t you have some fruit?”, asked Tom with aplomb.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
He ain’t got enough sense to poor piss out of a boot.
Anonymous
Expressions
Intelligence
Stupidity
She is so fat… at the zoo, the elephants throw peanuts at
her.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Exaggerations
Fat
“Would anyone like some Parmesan?” asked Tom gratingly.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
I wouldn't trust him with my bargepole.
Anonymous
Mixed metaphors
Trust
Friends: There are two kinds of friends – those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
Anonymous
Definitions
Friends
People
Chiropractor: A doctor who works his fingers to the bone… yours.
Anonymous
Definitions
Doctors
Chiropractor
… having too much
collateral
in your blood.
Anonymous
Health
Malaprops
Cholesterol
Not to put her up on a limestone, but my sister is really terrific.
Anonymous
Misspokements
Congress: A body of men brought together to slow down the government.
Anonymous
Congress
Definitions
Government
So windy he could blow up an onion sack.
Anonymous
Communication
Exaggerations
Expressions
Speech
Talkative
Sympathy: What one usually gives to a friend or relative when he doesn’t want to lend him money.
Anonymous
Definitions
Emotions
Sympathy
Auction: A place where, if you aren’t careful, you’ll get something for nodding.
Anonymous
Definitions
Auction
Vaccine: A microbe with his face washed.
Anonymous
Definitions
Health
Vaccine
Graduate School: The place where a young scholar goes off his Dad’s payroll – and on to his wife’s.
Anonymous
Definitions
Education
School
Graduate school
Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
Anonymous
Definitions
Science/Weather
Barometer
Chivalry: The attitude of a man toward somebody else’s wife.
Anonymous
Definitions
Chivalry
“I’m trying to get some air circulating under the roof,” said Tom fanatically.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
Anonymous
Definitions
Future
Time
Tomorrow
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