Author: Anonymous Page 9

Chance: The pseudonym of God when he does not want to sign.

Definitions

Newspaper: A publication that condemns gambling and promotes lottery numbers.

Definitions

“I’ll show you my illustrated Irish new testament,” said Tom bibliographically.

Tom Swifties

Testosterone: Hormone which causes facial hair, muscularity, a deep voice, speeding tickets, the desire to watch professional wrestling, Arnold Shwarzenegger movies, war, fist fights, and the need to purchase cocktails for women with names like “Boom Boom. ”

Definitions Men

Television: A means of getting a babysitter so Mom and Dad can get out to the movies.

Definitions Entertainment Television

She looked at me like a cow looking at a new gate.

Appearance Characteristics Expressions Intelligence

Wife Swapping: Sexual fourplay.

Definitions Marriage Sex Wordplay

“Let’s eat kosher tonight,” said Tom judiciously.

Tom Swifties

A plastic surgeon increases your face value.

Appearance

He is so fat… when he joined Overeaters Anonymous and they make him a chapter.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

“The situation is grave,” Tom said cryptically.

Tom Swifties

Acrimony: The holy state of being married.

Definitions Marriage

Armor: The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

Clothing Definitions

“That young insect is female,” said Tom gallantly.

Tom Swifties

He goes to church on Sunday, steals chickens on Monday.

Beliefs Expressions Honesty

Eunuch: One who is cut off from temptation.

Body Definitions

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Definitions

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Problems Situations

Diagnosis: A physician’s forecast of the disease by the patient’s pulse and purse.

Definitions Health

Alcohol is ok in modification.

Alcohol Food/Drink Malaprops

Teenagers: People who get hungry again before the dishes are even washed.

Age Definitions