Author: Anonymous Page 9

“Doctor, why do you have to remove my womb?” asked Mary hysterically.

Tom Swifties

Makeup: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush which ironically makes Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”

Appearance Definitions

“Why don’t you have some fruit?”, asked Tom with aplomb.

Tom Swifties

He ain’t got enough sense to poor piss out of a boot.

Expressions Intelligence Stupidity

She is so fat… at the zoo, the elephants throw peanuts at her.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

“Would anyone like some Parmesan?” asked Tom gratingly.

Tom Swifties

I wouldn't trust him with my bargepole.

Mixed metaphors

Friends: There are two kinds of friends – those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

Definitions Friends People

Chiropractor: A doctor who works his fingers to the bone… yours.

Definitions Doctors

… having too much collateral in your blood.

Health Malaprops

Not to put her up on a limestone, but my sister is really terrific.

Misspokements

Congress: A body of men brought together to slow down the government.

Congress Definitions Government

So windy he could blow up an onion sack.

Communication Exaggerations Expressions Speech

Sympathy: What one usually gives to a friend or relative when he doesn’t want to lend him money.

Definitions Emotions

Auction: A place where, if you aren’t careful, you’ll get something for nodding.

Definitions

Vaccine: A microbe with his face washed.

Definitions Health

Graduate School: The place where a young scholar goes off his Dad’s payroll – and on to his wife’s.

Definitions Education School

Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

Definitions Science/Weather

Chivalry: The attitude of a man toward somebody else’s wife.

Definitions

“I’m trying to get some air circulating under the roof,” said Tom fanatically.

Tom Swifties

Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Definitions Future Time