Author: Anonymous Page 90

Cuddling: An act of warmth and affection that a husband will inevitably interpret as foreplay.

Definitions

Dictator: A self-madman.

Definitions

Dating: An elaborate prelude to mating that fulfills much the same function as the sniffing ritual in dogs, but without its forthright honesty.

Dating Definitions Relationships

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re probably broke.

Emotions Love Money

“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.

Tom Swifties

“I’m burning aromatic substances,” said Tom, incensed.

Tom Swifties

“A dog bit me,” said Tom rabidly.

Tom Swifties

Chauffeur: A man who is smart enough to operate an automobile, but clever enough not to own one.

Autos Definitions Things

He was a man of great statue.

Appearance Body Malaprops

The only people who listen to both sides of a family quarrel are the next-door neighbors.

People

It ain't a pretty sight for the ears.

Mixed metaphors

“The situation is grave,” Tom said cryptically.

Tom Swifties

College: A fountain of knowledge where students gather to drink.

Definitions Education School

Death: To stop sinning suddenly.

Death Definitions

Keep your ear to the grapevine.

Mixed metaphors

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Situations

“It’s a unit of electric current,” said Tom amply.

Tom Swifties

He is so fat… his shadow weighs 12 pounds.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Divorce Marriage

Those people all corregated over there.

Malaprops

“I’m just an average guy,” said Tom meanly.

Tom Swifties