Author: Anonymous Page 90

“Is it true that some animals will eat their own babies?” asked Tom literately.

Tom Swifties

He is so fat… I had to take a train and two buses just to get on his good side.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Conscience: A device that doesn’t keep you from doing anything – just keeps you from enjoying it.

Definitions

Realtor: A man with lots to sell.

Definitions Occupations Wordplay

He’s so skinny, his pants had only one back pocket.

Appearance Body Expressions

An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don’t win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd’s attention.

People

Umbrella: A shelter for one and a shower for two.

Definitions Things

She is so stupid… she can’t make ice without a recipe.

Exaggerations Intelligence Stupidity

“I got this ballpoint pen from a Yugoslav friend”, said Tom acerbically.

Tom Swifties

Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.

Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Success

Is this a whole nother bucket of worms?

Mixed metaphors

Discretion: When you are sure you are right and then ask your wife.

Definitions

“Those cobs are amazing!” said Tom cornily.

Tom Swifties

The light at the end of the tunnel is only muzzle flash.

Mixed metaphors

I just asked you what time it was, not how a watch works.

Communication Expressions

The words “don't" and “isn’t” are contraptions.

Communication Language Malaprops

Fishing: A venerable contest in which modern man pits his intelligence and technology against the native wit of primitive aquatic vertebrates, and generally finishes second.

Activities Definitions

“Take tea and see,” said Tom briskly.

Tom Swifties

Neighbors: The strangers who live next door.

Definitions People

Harp: A piano in the nude.

Definitions Entertainment Music Things

She's tall enough to go duck huntin' with a rake.

Appearance Body Expressions