Author: Anonymous Page 90

The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name… and they say golf is a quiet game.

Golf Sports

He doesn’t have much of a reputation or so I’ve heard.

Beliefs Opinion

She is going to join the gym to lose some weights.

Activities Exercise Misspokements

Abort: To correct a misconception.

Definitions

“My wife is cheating on me,” Tom cackled.

Tom Swifties

It is so hot… the cows arre giving evaporated milk.

Exaggerations Heat Science/Weather

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

Autos Marriage Things Wives

Wound up tighter than an eight-day clock

Expressions

Spinster: An unlusted number.

Definitions People Women

He was about as useless as the Pope's testicles.

Insults

If you look like your passport photo, you’re too sick to travel.

Appearance

I’m so hungry I could beat a dead horse.

Mixed metaphors

She was drop down gorgeous.

Mixed metaphors

Martial Arts: A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs – amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one’s opponent is armed with a semi-automatic.

Definitions

Professionals built the Titanic; amateurs built the ark.

People Work

I once knew a woman who offered her honor, so I honored her offer, and all night long I was on her and off her.

Sex Wordplay

Numismatics: Collecting money for fun.

Definitions

Those people all corregated over there.

Malaprops

Time rolled up like a scroll, while the plague nibbled at the edges of their years.

Mixed metaphors

“Hey, what’s it worth if I help you escape from prison?” asked Tom contemptuously.

Tom Swifties

Husband: A man who lost his liberty in the pursuit of happiness.

Definitions Marriage