Author: Anonymous Page 93

Apex: A gorilla’s old girlfriend.

Definitions Wordplay

Punctuality: Waiting around for other people.

Definitions

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Communication Mistakes Problems

Dentist: A person who runs a filling station.

Definitions Occupations

It is so hot… by the time I got home from buying eggs, I had twelve chicks in the bag.

Exaggerations Heat Science/Weather

Arabs wear turbines on their heads.

Clothing Malaprops

He's too lazy to scratch his own ass.

Characteristics Expressions

My wife has just two complaints: first, she’s got absolutely nothing to wear and second, she’s run out of closet space to keep it in.

Appearance Clothing Wives

Vaccination: An ouch of prevention.

Definitions Health

“Would you like to buy some cod?” asked Tom selfishly.

Tom Swifties

“Here’s the story of the Liberty Bell”, Tom told us appealingly.

Tom Swifties

I'm on a wrong-way street!

Driving Malaprops

Idiot: A man who sees your point in an argument but refuses to see your way.

Definitions Intelligence

Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by men and children.

Age Definitions

A man who can lighten a room by leaving it.

Insults

Let's make sure we're all talking off the same sheet of music.

Mixed metaphors

Taxpayer: A person who has the government on his payroll.

Definitions Government Taxes

“This oar is broken,” said Tom robustly.

Tom Swifties

Interior Decorator: A man who does things to your house he wouldn’t dream of doing to his own.

Definitions Occupations

You are not being diplomatic just because you put please in front of “Shut the hell up.”

Characteristics Situations

Before I start speaking, I'd like to say something.

Misspokements Speech