Author: Anonymous Page 93

Time rolled up like a scroll, while the plague nibbled at the edges of their years.

Mixed metaphors

Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

Definitions Science/Weather

A rolling stone gathers no moths.

Malaprops

It was so cold… pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets to keep warm.

Cold Exaggerations Science/Weather

I’d have to get better just to die.

Expressions Health

This is no longer just a bubbling brook.

Malaprops

It's got lots of installation.

Appearance Clothing Malaprops

She is so old… she used to baby-sit Jesus.

Age Exaggerations Old

Ventriloquist: A man who never speaks for himself.

Communication Definitions Speech

“All right, I will allow the prisoners to wear perfume,” the warden consented.

Tom Swifties

From now on, I’m watching everything you do with a fine-tuned comb.

Mixed metaphors

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape; if it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40, if it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

Things

“That certainly took the wind out of my sails!” said Tom disgustedly.

Tom Swifties

I’d like to be sitting in his shoes.

Mixed metaphors

Bisexual: A person who pays for sex.

Definitions

You’d be a overweight neurotic fighter too if your name was Shirley Crabtree.

Sports

He’s not only turning grey, he has a receiving hairline!

Malaprops

Urinalysis: The study of pissed off people.

Definitions Health Wordplay

He's going up and down like a metronome.

Malaprops

Grasping at the straw that broke the camel's back

Mixed metaphors

She has extra-century perception.

Malaprops