Author: Anonymous Page 94

“This is the fastest way to get drunk,” said Tom quixotically.

Tom Swifties

Fern: A plant that you’re supposed to water once a day, and when you don’t it dies, but if you do it dies anyway, only not so soon.

Definitions

Accordionated: Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

Definitions Wordplay

That tickled my fancy bone.

Mixed metaphors

You've opened this can of worms, now lie in it.

Mixed metaphors

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and started growing in the middle.

Age Appearance Body People

That snake in the grass is barking up the wrong tree.

Mixed metaphors

Do not argue with an idiot; he/she will drag you down to his/her level and beat you with experience.

Fools Intelligence People

Courtesy: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.

Dating Definitions Relationships

Yardstick: One foot on each side and one in the middle.

Definitions

He was married to an acrobat, but she caught him in the act.

Communication Wordplay

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Cooking Definitions Food/Drink Things

Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

Definitions Science/Weather

Democracy: A system whereby the person who never votes can cuss out the man the other people elected.

Definitions Democracy Elections/Voting Government

He’s so ugly, he’s gotta sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.

Miscellaneous

Acoustic: An instrument used in shooting pool.

Definitions

Fettuccine Alfredo: Macaroni and cheese for adults.

Cooking Definitions Food/Drink

Wrinkles: Something other people have… you have character lines.

Appearance Body Definitions

Gossip: Anything that goes in one ear and over the back fence.

Communication Definitions Speech

Absolute Zero: The lowest grade attainable on a test.

Definitions Education School

Babysitter: One who accepts hush money.

Definitions