Author: Anonymous Page 95

Perfume: What a woman hopes will make her the scenter of attention.

Definitions Wordplay

It was deader than a hangnail.

Malaprops

Let's not put all of our cookies in a basket.

Mixed metaphors

“I’m on social security,” said Tom dolefully.

Tom Swifties

Unimpeachable Source: The guy that started the rumor in the first place.

Definitions

Guest towel: A small square of non-absorbent fabric surrounded by waterproof embroidery.

Definitions Things

Brassiere: A bust stop.

Clothing Definitions

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Work

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Intelligence

Many nations adopt a tit for tit policy.

Malaprops

Truck Driver: A man who has the opportunity to run into so many nice people.

Definitions Occupations

Childbirth: You get to go through thirty-six hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, ‘focus… breathe… push…’

Definitions

Neighbors: The only people who listen to both sides of an argument.

Definitions People

Asylum: A refuge where unusual people are protected from the world.

Definitions

“I only have diamonds, clubs and spades,” said Tom heartlessly.

Tom Swifties

She looked gorgeous in her new dress – absolutely explicit.

Malaprops

She’s so fat it takes two dogs to bark at her.

Appearance Body Expressions Fat

Zoo: A place where humans go and animals are barred.

Animals Definitions

Ventriloquist: A man who never speaks for himself.

Communication Definitions Speech

I turned a blind eye to all that bad stuff I was hearing.

Mixed metaphors

“We just struck oil!” Tom gushed.

Tom Swifties