Author: Anonymous Page 96

Conscience gets a lot of credit that belongs to cold feet.

He is so fat… his driver's license says, “picture continued on other side.”

Good Neighbor: One who doesn’t borrow his garden hose back too often.

I'd walk a mile in a camel's shoes to pass through the eye of a needle.

Temptation: Something which, when resisted, gives happiness and which, when yielded to, gives even greater happiness.

Gentleman: A man who remembers a woman’s birthday but forgets her age.

An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be.

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Bill Collector: A man whom few care to see but many ask to call again.

Cold War: Hot peace.

Revolutionary: An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor.

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two being goulash and squid.

Ignoramus: Someone who doesn’t know something that you learned yesterday.

Kiss: A course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous.

He’s so lazy, he’d marry a pregnant woman.

Celebrity: A person whose name is in everything but the telephone book.

Adverse: Promotional jingle.

She was drop down gorgeous.

“It has zero height, zero width, and just a little depth,” said Tom, stretching the point.

I can't answer that – it's out of my water.

Too many people are ready to carry the stool when the piano needs to be moved.