Author: Anonymous Page 97

Men are like lawnmowers: they’re hard to get started, emit noxious odors and half the time they don’t work.

Men People

I'll bet she has her clothes made by Orville, the tent maker.

Malaprops

So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.

Health

Behold, this very day, I have interceded another letter from the fellow.

Malaprops

He is so fat… when he gets in an elevator, it has to go down.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

“I don’t know any shanties,” said Tom unceasingly.

Tom Swifties

She could eat an apple through a picket fence.

Appearance Expressions

A censor has the peculiar faculty of banning just what we want to hear, see,

Occupations Work

Business Forecaster: A person who is uncertain about the future and hazy about the present.

Definitions

He’s so chincy, he can call his every dollar by its first name.

Frugal Miscellaneous Money

Heirloom: Some old thing nobody liked well enough to wear out.

Definitions Things

Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges.

Definitions Health

Never wave to a friend at an auction.

Situations

There's a traumatic difference between the two.

Malaprops

Courtship: A period during which a girl decides whether or not she can do better.

Definitions Relationships

Post Operative: Letter carrier

Definitions

You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea.

Age Ideas

When your head is in the bear's mouth, it is not the time to be smacking him on the nose.

Communication Problems

Keep your eye to the grindstone.

Malaprops

Knitting: An exercise that gives women something to do when they are talking.

Activities Definitions

Garage: Something usually built with a house attached.

Definitions