Author: Anonymous Page 98

Psychology: The science that tells you what you already know in words you can’t understand.

American Way: Using instant coffee to dawdle away an hour.

Childish Games: Those at which your wife beats you.

Optimist: Someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way.

You need more sugar to get your brain circulating.

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you still have to mow it.

“This is where I keep my arrows,” said Tom quiveringly.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom.

Unopposed candidate: An officeholder who has mastered the art of campaign reform.

Set aside half an hour every day to do all your worrying; then take a nap during this period.

Clergyman: A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.

“I don’t want to rewrite this in prose,” said Tom aversely.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the tush.

“Doctor, why do you have to remove my womb?” asked Mary hysterically.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Penis: Part of the male anatomy which contains the brain.

Dark Ages: Knight time.

Parents are embarrassed when their children tell lies, and even more embarrassed when they tell the truth.

Bank: An institution that will gladly lend you money provided you can prove you don’t need it.

Like a four-horned billy goat

Summer Camps: Those places where little boys go for mother’s vacation.