Author: Anonymous Page 98

Small Town: A place where nothing happens every minute.

Calendar: An attempt, underwritten by the principal religions, to make the heavenly bodies keep regular hours.

Morality: An instinctive sense of right and wrong that tells some people how everyone else should behave.

Siamese Twins: First person plural.

He is so ugly… when he walks into the bank they turn off the cameras.

An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang onto.

Middle Age: That period when a man begins to shed his hair, his teeth, and his illusions.

Accordion: A pleated bagpipe.

Domestic Harmony: Music produced only if the husband plays second fiddle.

“It’s not a candy mint, it’s a breath mint”, Tom asserted.

Handkerchief: Cold Storage.

Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.

“Our local clergyman has a toothache,” said Tom vicariously.

Lecher: A stud with liver spots.

If you are going to get the grief, you might as well get the gravy.

Communism: Nobody’s got nothin’, but everybody’s workin’.

Good Breeding: That quality that enables a person to wait in well-mannered silence while the loudmouth gets the service.

You'll get into hot water skating on thin ice!

The amount of education you have determines your loot in life.

Bachelor: A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.