Author: Anonymous Page 98

Small Town: A place where nothing happens every minute.

Definitions Places

Calendar: An attempt, underwritten by the principal religions, to make the heavenly bodies keep regular hours.

Definitions

Morality: An instinctive sense of right and wrong that tells some people how everyone else should behave.

Beliefs Definitions Honesty

Siamese Twins: First person plural.

Definitions People

He is so ugly… when he walks into the bank they turn off the cameras.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang onto.

Alcohol Food/Drink People

Middle Age: That period when a man begins to shed his hair, his teeth, and his illusions.

Age Definitions

Accordion: A pleated bagpipe.

Definitions Entertainment Music Things

Domestic Harmony: Music produced only if the husband plays second fiddle.

Definitions Marriage

“It’s not a candy mint, it’s a breath mint”, Tom asserted.

Tom Swifties

Handkerchief: Cold Storage.

Definitions Health

Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.

Communication Language Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

“Our local clergyman has a toothache,” said Tom vicariously.

Tom Swifties

Lecher: A stud with liver spots.

Definitions

If you are going to get the grief, you might as well get the gravy.

Expressions

Communism: Nobody’s got nothin’, but everybody’s workin’.

Definitions

Good Breeding: That quality that enables a person to wait in well-mannered silence while the loudmouth gets the service.

Definitions

You'll get into hot water skating on thin ice!

Mixed metaphors

The amount of education you have determines your loot in life.

Education Malaprops

Bachelor: A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

Definitions Men People Relationships

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Characteristics