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Psychology: The science that tells you what you already know in words you can’t understand.

Definitions Science/Weather

American Way: Using instant coffee to dawdle away an hour.

Definitions

Childish Games: Those at which your wife beats you.

Activities Definitions Games

Optimist: Someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way.

Definitions

You need more sugar to get your brain circulating.

Mixed metaphors

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you still have to mow it.

Situations

“This is where I keep my arrows,” said Tom quiveringly.

Tom Swifties

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom.

Places Situations World

Unopposed candidate: An officeholder who has mastered the art of campaign reform.

Definitions Elections/Voting Government

Set aside half an hour every day to do all your worrying; then take a nap during this period.

Situations Sleep

Clergyman: A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.

Definitions Occupations

“I don’t want to rewrite this in prose,” said Tom aversely.

Tom Swifties

A bird in the hand is worth two in the tush.

Malaprops

“Doctor, why do you have to remove my womb?” asked Mary hysterically.

Tom Swifties

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Definitions Family

Penis: Part of the male anatomy which contains the brain.

Body Definitions Men

Dark Ages: Knight time.

Definitions

Parents are embarrassed when their children tell lies, and even more embarrassed when they tell the truth.

Children Communication Family Honesty Lies Speech Truth

Bank: An institution that will gladly lend you money provided you can prove you don’t need it.

Definitions Money

Like a four-horned billy goat

Expressions

Summer Camps: Those places where little boys go for mother’s vacation.

Activities Definitions