Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Anonymous Page 98
Small Town: A place where nothing happens every minute.
Anonymous
Definitions
Places
Small town
Calendar: An attempt, underwritten by the principal religions, to make the heavenly bodies keep regular hours.
Anonymous
Definitions
Calendar
Morality: An instinctive sense of right and wrong that tells some people how everyone else should behave.
Anonymous
Beliefs
Definitions
Honesty
Morality
Siamese Twins: First person plural.
Anonymous
Definitions
People
Siamese twins
He is so ugly… when he walks into the bank they turn off the cameras.
Anonymous
Appearance
Exaggerations
Ugly
An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang onto.
Anonymous
Alcohol
Food/Drink
People
Drunk
Irish
Middle Age: That period when a man begins to shed his hair, his teeth, and his illusions.
Anonymous
Age
Definitions
Middle age
Accordion: A pleated bagpipe.
Anonymous
Definitions
Entertainment
Music
Things
Accordion
Bagpipes
Domestic Harmony: Music produced only if the husband plays second fiddle.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
Domestic Harmony
“It’s not a candy mint, it’s a breath mint”, Tom asserted.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
Handkerchief: Cold Storage.
Anonymous
Definitions
Health
Handkerchief
Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.
Anonymous
Communication
Language
Murphy’s Laws
Science/Weather
“Our local clergyman has a toothache,” said Tom vicariously.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
Lecher: A stud with liver spots.
Anonymous
Definitions
Lecher
If you are going to get the grief, you might as well get the gravy.
Anonymous
Expressions
Communism: Nobody’s got nothin’, but everybody’s workin’.
Anonymous
Definitions
Communism
Good Breeding: That quality that enables a person to wait in well-mannered silence while the loudmouth gets the service.
Anonymous
Definitions
Good Breeding
Manners
You'll get into hot water skating on thin ice!
Anonymous
Mixed metaphors
The amount of education you have determines your
loot
in life.
Anonymous
Education
Malaprops
Lot
Bachelor: A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
Anonymous
Definitions
Men
People
Relationships
Bachelor
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Anonymous
Characteristics
Neatness
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