Author: Anonymous Page 99

Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday.

Definitions

Jealousy: The tribute mediocrity pays to genius.

Characteristics Definitions

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Emotions Intelligence Laughter Thinking

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

Problems

Bury it under the carpet

Mixed metaphors

“My garden needs another layer of mulch,” Tom repeated.

Tom Swifties

Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Definitions

He is so ugly… the psychiatrist makes him lie face down.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

If these walls could talk, they'd probably say, "No! Not the nails again! Not the hammer!

Communication Wordplay

“I chop down trees for a living,” said Tom lumberingly.

Tom Swifties

My purses were selling like wild cakes.

Mixed metaphors

Diplomat: If you have the advantage over someone, and you lead him to think that he has the advantage over you, without giving him the chance to take advantage of you.

Definitions Government

He is so old… he owes Jesus a quarter.

Age Exaggerations Old

It was so cold… politicians stopped blowing hot air.

Cold Exaggerations Science/Weather

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Food/Drink Money Success

She’s not the toughest cookie on the block.

Mixed metaphors

Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?

Communication Men Speech Women

He is so ugly… his doctor is a vet.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

Sadist: A person who is kind to a masochist.

Definitions People Wordplay

Ambiguity: The lack of clarity in speech… or perhaps, something else.

Definitions

The shit’s gonna hit the stick.

Mixed metaphors