Author: Personal ad Page 2

CHRISTIAN woman looking for Christian man partner who is sympathetic with woman who has mental illness and hears voices but is self controlled. Phone…

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This ad may not be the best lonely heart in the world, nor its author the best-smelling. That's all I have to say. Man, 37.

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They call me Naughty Lola. Run of the mill beardy physicist – male, 46.

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You're a brunette, 6', long legs, 25-30, intelligent, articulate and drop dead gorgeous. I, on the other hand, have the looks of Herve Villechaize and an odour of wheat. No returns and no refunds at box no. 3321.

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Meet the new face of indoor bowling! More or less the same as the old face, but less facial hair and better teeth. M, 28. Box no. 3377.

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Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.

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List your ten favourite albums… I just want to know if there's anything worth keeping when we finally break up. Practical, forward thinking man, 35.

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Mature gentleman, 62, aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks… damn it, I have to pee again.

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Philanthropy is my middle name. It's just a name though so don't be expecting any free rides. You can call me Mr Wallace. My first name is none of your business. Applications to box no. 9741.

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Are you Kate Bush?’ Write to obsessive man (36). Note, people who aren't Kate Bush need not respond.

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My ideal woman is a man. Sorry, mother.

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Love is strange – wait 'til you see my feet. F, 34, wide-fitting Scholl's.

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Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I'll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56.

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You're a brunette, 6', long legs, 25-30, intelligent, articulate and drop-dead gorgeous. I, on the other hand, am 4'10", have the looks of Herve Villechaize and carry an odor of wheat. No returns and no refunds at box…

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Bastard. Complete and utter. Whatever you do, don't reply – you'll only regret it.

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Lustful? Sinful? Sexual? These are all words not used in conjunction with my feeble, limp form for at least 32 years. You are a woman to 40 with high class looks and low class mind. I am an ever growing vessel of limp wristed sexual energy just waiting to be shook. You may call me sir. box no. 32/02

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Save it. Anything you've got to say can be said to my lawyer. But if you're not my ex-wife, why not write to box no. 5377? I enjoy vodka, canasta, evenings in, and cold, cold revenge.

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internet dates? – these are insane computer time’s we live in – wow. But how can you trust all of these e-men – it is just not safe – i am 100% real and –did not ever go to jail –Talk to me on the phone –i shook barack obama’s hand on two occasions – i know 15 guitar chords –I have a big tv with blue ray’s – I AM A REGULAR GUY SEEKING A REGULAR GAL – if you like eating tacko’s and you like to watch cartoons and movies and you have large breasts we will get along very well so please ring me up: …

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Easygoing athletic SJM, 41, seeking SF, looks not important, must be tall, slim and attractive.

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Bald, fat, short, and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.

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