Author: Personal ad Page 2

Meet the new face of indoor bowling! More or less the same as the old face, but less facial hair and better teeth. M, 28. Box no. 3377.

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Ploughing the loneliest furrow. Nineteen personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from B&Q. Man, 51.

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Bastard. Complete and utter. Whatever you do, don't reply – you'll only regret it.

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SEE WHAT HAPPENS, 22 yr old white male, 6’4”, 190 lbs, janitorial master, once cleaned 3 bathrooms in 20 minutes! Seeks 19 to 32 yr old female. Box 30940.

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They call me Naughty Lola. Run of the mill beardy physicist – male, 46.

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Attention male London Review of Books readers: 'Greetings, earthling – I have come to infest your puny body with legions of my spawn' is no way to begin a reply. Female, 36 – suspicious of any men declaring themselves to be in possession of a 'great sense of humor.'

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Mature gentleman, 62, aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks… damn it, I have to pee again.

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Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I'll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56.

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CHRISTIAN woman looking for Christian man partner who is sympathetic with woman who has mental illness and hears voices but is self controlled. Phone…

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My ideal woman is a man. Sorry, mother.

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Employed in publishing? Me too. Stay the hell away. Man on the inside seeks woman on the outside who likes milling around hospitals guessing the illnesses of out-patients. 30-35. Leeds.

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Your stars for today: A pretty Cancerian, 35, will cook you a lovely meal, caress your hair softly, then squeeze every damn penny from your adulterous bank account before slashing the tires of your Beamer. Let that serve as a warning. Now then, risotto?

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Love is strange – wait 'til you see my feet. F, 34, wide-fitting Scholl's.

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Unashamed triumphalist male for the past 46 years. Will I bore you? Probably. Do I care? Probably not.

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Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities (37) seeks man who can toss a good salad.

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I've divorced better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don't think placing this ad is the biggest comedown I've ever had to make. Sensitive F, 34.

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I'm just a girl who can't say 'no' (or 'anaesthetist') [sic]. Lisping Rodgers and Hammerstein fan, female lecturer in politics (37) WLTM man to 40 for thome enthanted eveningth.

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internet dates? – these are insane computer time’s we live in – wow. But how can you trust all of these e-men – it is just not safe – i am 100% real and –did not ever go to jail –Talk to me on the phone –i shook barack obama’s hand on two occasions – i know 15 guitar chords –I have a big tv with blue ray’s – I AM A REGULAR GUY SEEKING A REGULAR GAL – if you like eating tacko’s and you like to watch cartoons and movies and you have large breasts we will get along very well so please ring me up: …

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Blah blah, whatever. Indifferent woman. Go ahead and write. Box ### Like I care.

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Philanthropy is my middle name. It's just a name though so don't be expecting any free rides. You can call me Mr Wallace. My first name is none of your business. Applications to box no. 9741.

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