Author: Personal ad Page 2

Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I'll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56.

Classifieds

Meet the new face of indoor bowling! More or less the same as the old face, but less facial hair and better teeth. M, 28. Box no. 3377.

Classifieds

HANDSOME RAKE – Out of work leaf raker/bagger seeks whimsical beauty with unkempt auburn orc hestnut hair, cool with coarse hands and a penchant for whistling. mellow… mo, 28, …

Classifieds

Philanthropy is my middle name. It's just a name though so don't be expecting any free rides. You can call me Mr Wallace. My first name is none of your business. Applications to box no. 9741.

Classifieds

Wanted: Hard working, experienced farm woman. Household and field work; know how to cook; must own tracter –- send photo of tractor.

Classifieds

My ideal woman is a man. Sorry, mother.

Classifieds

Easygoing athletic SJM, 41, seeking SF, looks not important, must be tall, slim and attractive.

Classifieds

My other car is a bike. Eco-friendly bio-diverse M (29). Smells a bit like soil and eats too much soup, but otherwise friendly (you're not seriously going to put that burger in your mouth, are you?).

Classifieds

Attention male London Review of Books readers: 'Greetings, earthling – I have come to infest your puny body with legions of my spawn' is no way to begin a reply. Female, 36 – suspicious of any men declaring themselves to be in possession of a 'great sense of humor.'

Classifieds

Blah blah, whatever. Indifferent woman. Go ahead and write. Box ### Like I care.

Classifieds

Ploughing the loneliest furrow. Nineteen personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from B&Q. Man, 51.

Classifieds

CHRISTIAN woman looking for Christian man partner who is sympathetic with woman who has mental illness and hears voices but is self controlled. Phone…

Classifieds

Sinister-looking man with a face that only a mother would love: think of an ageing Portillo with a beard and you have my better-looking twin. Sweetie at heart, though. Nice conversation, great for dimly-lit romantic meals. Better in those Welsh villages where the electricity supply can't be guaranteed. Charitable women to 50 appreciated. Box…

Classifieds

Employed in publishing? Me too. Stay the hell away. Man on the inside seeks woman on the outside who likes milling around hospitals guessing the illnesses of out-patients. 30-35. Leeds.

Classifieds

SEE WHAT HAPPENS, 22 yr old white male, 6’4”, 190 lbs, janitorial master, once cleaned 3 bathrooms in 20 minutes! Seeks 19 to 32 yr old female. Box 30940.

Classifieds

Incurable romantic, seeks filthy whore. Phone…

Classifieds

Unashamed triumphalist male for the past 46 years. Will I bore you? Probably. Do I care? Probably not.

Classifieds

I celebrated my fortieth birthday last week by cataloguing my collection of bird feeders. Next year I'm hoping for sexual intercourse. And a cake. Join my invite mailing list at box no. 6831. Man

Classifieds

Love is strange – wait 'til you see my feet. F, 34, wide-fitting Scholl's.

Classifieds

Save it. Anything you've got to say can be said to my lawyer. But if you're not my ex-wife, why not write to box no. 5377? I enjoy vodka, canasta, evenings in, and cold, cold revenge.

Classifieds