Author: Alan Bennett

If you think squash is a competitive activity, try flower arrangement.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright

Education with socialists: it’s like sex, all right so long as you don’t have to pay for it

English author, actor, humorist & playwright

So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright

I’m all in favor of free expression provided it’s kept rigidly under control.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright

The longer I practice medicine the more convinced I am there are only two types of cases: those that involve taking the trousers off and those that don’t.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright

We started off trying to set up a small anarchist community, but people wouldn't obey the rules.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright

… when a society has to resort to the lavatory for its humor, the writing is on the wall.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright

Definition of a classic: a book everyone is assumed to have read and often thinks they have.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright

You are 32, you are rapidly approaching the age when your body, whether it embarrasses you or not, begins to embarrass other people.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright

If you live to be ninety in England and can still eat a boiled egg they think you deserve the Nobel Prize.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright

All women dress like their mothers, that is their tragedy; no man ever does, that is his.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright

Nature played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed mustache.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright

Brought up in the provinces in the forties and fifties one learned early the valuable lesson that life is generally something that happens elsewhere.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright