Author: Alfred E. Neuman

A sense of humor is what makes you laugh at something that would make you sore if it happened to you!

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Emotions Laughter

Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!

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Appearance Body Fat

The distance between many people’s ears is a block.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Intelligence

Elections are when people find out what politicians stand for and politicians find out what people will fall for.

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Elections/Voting Government People Politicians

A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!

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Doctors Health Occupations

Today, too many workers spend their time trying to make their weekends meet.

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Money Time

Elections are when people find out what politicians stand for, and politicians find out what people will fall for.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Elections/Voting Government People Politicians

Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgement!

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Characteristics Exercise Work

A family vacation is when you go away with the people you need to get away from.

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Activities Relationships

A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course.

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Golf Sports

Good hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even when you wish they were.

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Characteristics Friends Old People

It takes one to know one – and vice versa!

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Misspokements

A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!

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Appearance Body People

Money still talks these days… trouble is, you have to increase the volume alot!

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Death Money Time

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

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Situations Things

Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!

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People

Blood is thicker than water… but it makes lousy lemonade!

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Relationships

Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income.

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Government Money Taxes

Family reunions are when relatives gather from all over to be reminded why they scattered in the first place.

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Activities Family Relationships

Nepotism is when the corporate ladder is built from the lumber of your family tree.

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Family Relationships

Fools rush in… and get the best seats.

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Fools Intelligence