Author: Alfred E. Neuman

If people wanted your unsolicited advice, they’d ask for it.

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Beliefs Opinion

Family reunions are when relatives gather from all over to be reminded why they scattered in the first place.

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Activities Family Relationships

If banks are so good with numbers, why are there always eight windows and three tellers?

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Places

Nowadays, the perfect crime is getting caught and selling your story to T.V.!

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Conflict Crime Entertainment Television

Plenty of people believe in energy conservation – mainly their own.

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Science/Weather

The same parent who tells you it’s time to find yourself will also tell you to get lost.

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Family Parents

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

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Situations Things

Today it takes more brains and effort to make out the income tax form than it does to make the income.

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Government Intelligence Money Taxes

Fools rush in… and get the best seats.

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Fools Intelligence

Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!

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Conflict Crime Money

Blood is thicker than water… but it makes lousy lemonade!

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Relationships

In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!

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Intelligence

Politicians are always trying to convince you that they can solve the unemployment problem if you'll just give them a job.

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Elections/Voting Government Politicians Work

You know the honeymoon's over when your dog brings your slippers, and your wife barks at you!

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Marriage

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Situations Things

Most people don't act stupid: it's the real thing!

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Fools Intelligence

Today, too many workers spend their time trying to make their weekends meet.

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Money Time

Crime does not pay… as well as politics.

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Conflict Crime Government Politics

A family vacation is when you go away with the people you need to get away from.

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Activities Relationships

Good hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even when you wish they were.

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Characteristics Friends Old People

Political speeches are like steer horns: a point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.

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Communication Government Politics Speech