Author: Alfred E. Neuman

Any dentist who says “This won’t hurt a bit” is lying through your teeth.

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Health

A family vacation is when you go away with the people you need to get away from.

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Family Relationships

Most minds are like concrete… all mixed up and permanently set!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Intelligence People

Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!

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Age Appearance Body Old

If you want to be on the upper crust, you need to have a lot of dough.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Money

Starting a war in the name of peace is like poking a hole in a balloon to get more air into it.

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Conflict War

What, Me Worry?

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Characteristics

The same parent who tells you it’s time to find yourself will also tell you to get lost.

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Family Parents

A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course!

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Golf People Sports

Who says nothing is impossible?… some people do it every day!

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Work

A sense of humor is what makes you laugh at something that would make you sore if it happened to you!

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Emotions Laughter

These days, the only time politicians tell the truth is when they call each other a liar.

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Characteristics Honesty Lies Politicians Truth

Nowadays, an after-dinner mint is what you need to pay the restaurant check.

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Food/Drink Money

If banks are so good with numbers, why are there always eight windows and three tellers?

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Places

Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income.

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Government Money Taxes

The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!

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Communication Speech

Ever notice how many government officials make their raises effective long before they ever are?

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Government Money

Politicians are always trying to convince you that they can solve the unemployment problem if you'll just give them a job.

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Elections/Voting Government Politicians Work

Many a good egg ends up getting beaten.

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Characteristics

It’s not the work that keeps most people from doing volunteer work, it’s the pay!

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Work

Elections are when people find out what politicians stand for, and politicians find out what people will fall for.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Elections/Voting Government People Politicians