Author: Alfred E. Neuman Page 2

Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Government Money Taxes

Starting a war in the name of peace is like poking a hole in a balloon to get more air into it.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Conflict War

The world is a place that’s gone from being flat to round to crooked.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Crime Honesty Places World

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Situations Things

The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Money Past Time

If we really learned from our past mistakes, most of us would never get out of bed in the morning.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Education History Learning Mistakes

Anyone who says the truth shall set you free has never been to traffic court.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Characteristics Truth

Any dentist who says “This won’t hurt a bit” is lying through your teeth.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Health

Political speeches are like steer horns: a point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Communication Government Politics Speech

Telephone psychics are better at making fortunes than at reading them.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Money People

In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Intelligence

A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Doctors Health Occupations

Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Age Appearance Body Old

If banks are so good with numbers, why are there always eight windows and three tellers?

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Places

An argument is two people trying to get in the last word first.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Communication Conversation Speech

Ever notice how many government officials make their raises effective long before they ever are?

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Government Money

It's a good idea to save your money; one day it might be worth something again!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Money

A family vacation is when you go away with the people you need to get away from.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Family Relationships

Too often, people who want to offer sound advice give more sound than advice!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Communication Intelligence Speech

It’s not the work that keeps most people from doing volunteer work, it’s the pay!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Work

Money still talks these days… trouble is, you have to increase the volume alot!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Death Money Time