Author: Alfred E. Neuman Page 4

Starting a war in the name of peace is like poking a hole in a balloon to get more air into it.

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Conflict War

Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!

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Appearance Body Fat

If banks are so good with numbers, why are there always eight windows and three tellers?

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Places

Most people still believe in a hard day’s work, but they also believe it should be spread out over the course of a week or two.

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Time Work

The distance between many people’s ears is a block.

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Intelligence

Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgement!

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Characteristics Exercise Work

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

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Situations Things

If we really learned from our past mistakes, most of us would never get out of bed in the morning.

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Education History Learning Mistakes

All lawyers are cut from the same cloth: fleece.

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Crime Government Law Lawyers

If you want to be on the upper crust, you need to have a lot of dough.

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Money

Politicians are always trying to convince you that they can solve the unemployment problem if you'll just give them a job.

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Elections/Voting Government Politicians Work

Most wives are like ventriloquists: they stand there nodding while the dummy does all the talking.

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Communication Marriage Speech Wives

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Situations Things

Anyone who says the truth shall set you free has never been to traffic court.

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Characteristics Truth

Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!

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Age Appearance Body Old

It takes one to know one – and vice versa!

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Misspokements

Money still talks these days… trouble is, you have to increase the volume alot!

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Death Money Time

Nowadays, an after-dinner mint is what you need to pay the restaurant check.

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Food/Drink Money

A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!

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Education Occupations Sleep

You know the honeymoon's over when your dog brings your slippers, and your wife barks at you!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Marriage

A family vacation is when you go away with the people you need to get away from.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Family Relationships