Author: Ambrose Bierce Page 5

Tariff: A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Taxes

Critic: One who boasts of being “hard to please” because nobody tries to please him. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Occupations Work

Brain: An apparatus with which we think we think.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Intelligence Language

Epitaph: An inscription which hopes that virtues acquired by death will have a retroactive effect.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions

Teetotaler: One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Alcohol Definitions Wordplay

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Marriage Problems Sex World

Commerce: A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Money

War is God's way of teaching us geography.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Conflict God War

Politeness is the most acceptable hypocrisy.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Characteristics

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Emotions Happiness Women

Dawn: 1. The time when men of reason go to bed. 2. When the sun first shines on your hangover.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Time

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
People

Oppose: To assist with obstructions and objections.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language

Patience: A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Characteristics Communication Definitions Language

Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Marriage

Zeal: A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Characteristics Definitions Young

Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Opinion

Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language

Fiddle: An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Animals Definitions Music

Twice: Once too often.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Situations

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Anger Characteristics Communication Speech