Author: Ambrose Bierce Page 5

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; what I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Passport: A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Epitaph: An inscription which hopes that virtues acquired by death will have a retroactive effect.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Senate: A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

War is God's way of teaching us geography.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Capitol: The seat of misgovernment.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Zeal: A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one’s country.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Christian: A man who feels repentance on a Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Consolation: The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Congress: A body of men who meet to repeal laws.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Overeat: To dine.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Twice: Once too often.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

History: An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Rum: Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Novel: A short story padded.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Politeness is the most acceptable hypocrisy.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Abstainer: A weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Yesterday: The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist