Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Ambrose Bierce Page 5
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; what I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Alcohol
Food/Drink
Government
Politicians
Democrats
Saloons
Passport: A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Activities
Definitions
Individuals
Things
Travel
Passport
Epitaph: An inscription which hopes that virtues acquired by death will have a retroactive effect.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions
Epitaph
Senate: A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Congress
Definitions
Government
Senate
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Government
Intelligence
Politicians
War is God's way of teaching us geography.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Conflict
God
War
Geography
Capitol: The seat of misgovernment.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions
Government
Capitol
Zeal: A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Characteristics
Definitions
Young
Zeal
Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one’s country.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication
Definitions
Language
Lies
Country
Diplomacy
Christian: A man who feels repentance on a Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Beliefs
Definitions
Religion
Christian
Consolation: The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication
Definitions
Language
Consolation
Knowledge
Congress: A body of men who meet to repeal laws.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication
Definitions
Government
Language
Law
Congress
Overeat: To dine.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication
Definitions
Eating
Food/Drink
Language
Overeat
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Anger
Characteristics
Communication
Speech
Regret
Twice: Once too often.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions
Situations
Twice
History: An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions
History
Time
Rum: Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Alcohol
Definitions
Rum
Novel: A short story padded.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Books
Communication
Novel
Short story
Politeness is the most acceptable hypocrisy.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Characteristics
Hypocrisy
Politeness
Abstainer: A weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication
Definitions
Individuals
Language
Abstainer
Temptation
Yesterday: The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Age
Definitions
Time
Young
Yesterday
Page 5 of 9
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