Author: Ambrose Bierce Page 8

Piano: A parlor utensil for subduing the impertinent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Entertainment Music Things

Intimacy: A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Fools

Consolation: The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language

Commerce: A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Money

Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Time

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Intelligence People

Price: Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Money

Neighbor: One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions People

Conservative: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Beliefs Definitions

Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Beliefs Definitions Religion

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Government Language Law

Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Occupations People Truth

Reconsider: To seek a justification for a decision already made.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Intelligence Thinking

Auctioneer: The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Speech

In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, “the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur.”

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Government

Photograph: A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Art Definitions Things

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Government Intelligence Politicians

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Marriage Problems Sex World

Christian: A man who feels repentance on a Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Beliefs Definitions Religion

Dawn: 1. The time when men of reason go to bed. 2. When the sun first shines on your hangover.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Time

Discussion: A method of confirming others in their errors.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Mistakes People