Author: Amy Poehler

The presidential race continued to tighten up – in fact, according to some polls, John McCain is only 6 points behind Sarah Palin.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Elections/Voting TV/Movie Quotes

According to reports, President Bush and John Kerry have combined $23 million left over from the 2004 presidential campaign, while Ralph Nader recently discovered some old gum in his hair.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Elections/Voting Politicians TV/Movie Quotes

The French have launched their own version of Google, called Quaero; you just type in the subject you’re interested in, and Quaero refuses to look it up for you.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me; I’m like a white male U.S. senator.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Government People Self

Fighting aging is like the War on Drugs… it’s expensive, does more harm than good, and has been proven to never end.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Age Old

It was announced Thursday that the Army will allow recruits to sign up for just 15 months of active duty; if that doesn’t work, the military will try renaming Iraq ‘Super Cancun.’

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Government Military TV/Movie Quotes

Meryl Streep is not here tonight, she has the flu… and I hear she’s amazing in it.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Entertainment People

During an interview Condoleezza Rice describes her stance on abortion as ‘mildly pro-choice,’ which means she would support abortion, except in cases where the mother is pregnant.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

One time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar… I thought it was terrible wine.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

Mark Twain once said, ‘Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand’ … but it was Shania Twain who said, ‘Man, I feel like a woman.’

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
People

This week British Prime Minister Tony Blair was re-elected to a record-setting third term as George Bush’s bitch.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq on Sunday; also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

It’s important to know when it’s time to turn in your kazoo.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Situations

It’s been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region; according to President Bush this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran and keep our other 70% in Iraq.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

A new poll reveals that 56% of Americans believe that Wal-Mart is bad for the country, while the other 44% work there.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

A 13 year old girl in Brooklyn on Tuesday won 50 thousand dollars at the National Texting Championship by typing out a verse from “Old McDonald” in 60 seconds… not only that, but she only went off the road twice.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

How do I explain her? [her mother] She’s as respected as Mother Theresa, she’s as powerful as Stalin, and she’s as beautiful as Margaret Thatcher.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Family Mothers TV/Movie Quotes