Author: Amy Schumer

I went home with this French guy ‘cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.'’

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Relationships

I was dating an infectious disease doctor, 'cause… two birds.

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Dating Relationships

You know what they say: ‘Once you go black… your parents don’t talk to you anymore.'

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Dating People Relationships

He was really into family… he'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Dating Relationships

My arms register as legs. And my legs register as firewood.

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Appearance Body

I donated blood today… that's what I call getting an AIDS test.

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Activities

I finally just slept with my high school crush; but I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation – like I know where I’m going to be in three years.

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Relationships Sex

You know that show 'Teen Mom'? … or if you're from the South, 'Mom.'

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Entertainment Television

In every group of girlfriends, there’s that one who is the sluttiest; if you don’t have that friend, you’re that friend.

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Girlfriends People Sex

We had to break up, though… we wanted different things… like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Dating Relationships