Author: Amy Schumer

I donated blood today… that's what I call getting an AIDS test.

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Activities

He was really into family… he'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Dating Relationships

I finally just slept with my high school crush; but I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation – like I know where I’m going to be in three years.

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Relationships Sex

We had to break up, though… we wanted different things… like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Dating Relationships

My arms register as legs. And my legs register as firewood.

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Appearance Body

In every group of girlfriends, there’s that one who is the sluttiest; if you don’t have that friend, you’re that friend.

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Girlfriends People Sex

You know that show 'Teen Mom'? … or if you're from the South, 'Mom.'

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Entertainment Television

I went home with this French guy ‘cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.'’

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Relationships

I was dating an infectious disease doctor, 'cause… two birds.

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Dating Relationships

You know what they say: ‘Once you go black… your parents don’t talk to you anymore.'

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Dating People Relationships