Author: Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident… devastating; I can’t believe I’m only going to have sex with her one more time.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Death Family

Donald, I’m not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Insults People

My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we’re having sex… but I say, what’s wrong with while we’re having dinner?

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends Relationships Sex

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girls Intelligence People Women

Look at this dais… you've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer… and then eight white people.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
People

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Dating Health Sex

I know her in the biblical sense… and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Beliefs Honesty

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut; I don’t understand why she’s crying… I’m the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People Situations

I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day… which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
People

Ellen Page says that the sexism in Hollywood is constant; you might remember her from her movie Juno, where she played a mouthy chick with no tits.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Characteristics Hollywood Places

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex; we’re not even that loud, but he used to date my girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People Situations

George Zimmerman wants to go to law school; I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Insults

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Age Old People

I think my friend Jeff is gay; I don’t know – I’m so bad with names.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Miscellaneous

I grew up in a poor family… I had to cut everyone’s hair, because we didn’t have money for entertainment.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Money Poverty Situations

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Marriage

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS; I didn’t know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back "I know."

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Health

I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Children Family

I’m getting pretty worried; my girlfriend hasn’t gotten her period… and she’s already 14.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Age Girlfriends People

People say it’s easy to make fun of retarded people, but it’s not… you really have to explain it to them.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Intelligence People