Author: Anthony Jeselnik Page 2

I grew up in a poor family… I had to cut everyone’s hair, because we didn’t have money for entertainment.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Money Poverty Situations

Ellen Page says that the sexism in Hollywood is constant; you might remember her from her movie Juno, where she played a mouthy chick with no tits.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Characteristics Hollywood Places

I know her in the biblical sense… and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Beliefs Honesty

I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Conflict Girlfriends Killing People

I’m getting pretty worried; my girlfriend hasn’t gotten her period… and she’s already 14.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Age Girlfriends People

I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day… which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
People

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church; and every Sunday I lie and say: “Sorry. Wrong Number.”

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Family Fathers

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet… Oh my god, that fucking thing would never shut up… but the bird was cool.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Animals Girlfriends

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex; we’re not even that loud, but he used to date my girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People Situations

 Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? … I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Intelligence

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident… devastating; I can’t believe I’m only going to have sex with her one more time.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People

Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
People

Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day; give a man AIDS, and you don’t have to give him any fish.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

George Zimmerman wants to go to law school; I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Insults