Author: Anthony Jeselnik Page 2

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car; it wasn’t serious – nobody saw me.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Accidents Problems

I think my friend Jeff is gay; I don’t know – I’m so bad with names.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Miscellaneous

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Divorce Marriage

I killed a squirrel once with a car… twice with a tennis racket.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Animals

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident… devastating; I can’t believe I’m only going to have sex with her one more time.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People

You’ll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old’s cold dead hands.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Arms Conflict Things

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girls Intelligence People Women

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex; we’re not even that loud, but he used to date my girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People Situations

I grew up in a poor family… I had to cut everyone’s hair, because we didn’t have money for entertainment.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Money Poverty Situations

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person – so I can get a better girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People

I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking… and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, and I had to suck out the poison… so she’s dead.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Dating Relationships Situations

Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day; give a man AIDS, and you don’t have to give him any fish.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

George Zimmerman wants to go to law school; I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Insults

I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Children Family