Author: Arj Barker
I fainted last night… luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt.
(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
I’m in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn’t even know I exist – and worse… she can prove it.
(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoe museum?
(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be.
(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets — unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel… then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.
(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being… and it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.
(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.
(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor