Author: 'Beano' Cook

You only have to bat 1.000 in two things—flying and heart transplants; everything else, you can go four in five.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Sports

Dracula and LSU football are at their best after the sun goes down.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Football Sports

Argentina invaded the Falklands because they had ESPN and the Argentines wanted to get the late scores.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Entertainment Sports Television

Haven't they suffered enough?

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Baseball Sports

When they list the great things of the 20th Century, they’ll say, penicillin, Sophia Loren, jet travel and ESPN.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Entertainment Sports Television

To Dallas Cowboys President Tex Schramm: You're one of the two most efficient organizations in the 20th century.

Schramm: What's the other?

Cook: The Third Reich.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Football Sports

The three toughest jobs in the world are: President of the United States, mayor of New York, and head football coach at Notre Dame.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Government Occupations Work

[Punter] Bill Bradley kicks them so high and so short you can't run them back; you have to fair catch every one. Us coaches call that the punt of no return.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Football Language Sports

ESPN is like your family, it’s always there: the networks are like your mother-in-law… they are there on the weekends.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Sports Television

The two most important jobs in America are held by foreigners – room service and goal-kicking.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Occupations People Sports Work

Penn State had less firepower than Sweden did in World War II.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Football Sports

The first word you see at the airport is “terminal.”

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Activities Things

That [artificial turf], local news, the IRS, and hair dryers are the four worst inventions of the century.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Things

Colleges spend more money on the promotion of the Heisman than the Pentagon spends on toilets.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Education Football Sports

The three things that mean the most to me in life are my parents, Casablanca and college football – not necessarily in that order.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Life Things

Notre Dame is the only team in the country that never plays a road game.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Football Sports

The only way that Miami will beat Florida St. is if they outscore them.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Football Misspokements Sports

Football kickers are like taxi cabs… you can always go out and hire another one.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Football Sports

Place-kickers aren't footballers, they're hired feet.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Football Sports

Virginia has already spent more on plugging Shawn Moore for the Heisman Trophy than Thomas Jefferson spent getting elected president.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Activities Football Government Money Sports

I don’t want to die in the middle of the football season; I have to know who’s No. 1 in the last polls.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Death Football Sports