Author: Bill Burr

Haven’t you noticed that every time the government f**ks up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Government

What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Health

I bet The Walking Deadgets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f••king window, am I right?

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Places

It (a cubicle) basically says, like, 'You know what?… we don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.'

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Intelligence Work

Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs

I'll tell you why — because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay — that's why I get the dollar more an hour.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Money People Women

His tattoos are like shit that you wrote on the cover of your notebook.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Insults Things

He’s like the first guy, like, from my reading level, you know — the first guy, like, from my math class to finally go out and do something!

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Education Success

Eating a donut is the easiest way to tell the world you don’t give a f**k.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you’re thinking.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Eating Food/Drink

I am so pro-swine flu, I want it; we need a plague… it’s got to happen; don’t be afraid, it’s only going to kill the weak.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Health