Author: Bill Burr

Haven’t you noticed that every time the government f**ks up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Government

I'll tell you why — because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay — that's why I get the dollar more an hour.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Money People Women

It (a cubicle) basically says, like, 'You know what?… we don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.'

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Intelligence Work

I am so pro-swine flu, I want it; we need a plague… it’s got to happen; don’t be afraid, it’s only going to kill the weak.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Health

He’s like the first guy, like, from my reading level, you know — the first guy, like, from my math class to finally go out and do something!

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Education Success

His tattoos are like shit that you wrote on the cover of your notebook.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Insults Things

I bet The Walking Deadgets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f••king window, am I right?

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Places

What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Health

Eating a donut is the easiest way to tell the world you don’t give a f**k.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs

Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you’re thinking.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Eating Food/Drink