Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Bill Hicks
I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Activities
Sleep
I’m a heavy smoker; I go through two lighters a day.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Activities
Smoking
I make no bones about it; I need eight hours a day, and at least ten at night.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Activities
Sleep
I don’t do drugs anymore – than, say, the average touring funk band.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Activities
Drugs
I’ve been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Miscellaneous
UFOs
Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks; you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a f**king cross?
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Beliefs
Religion
Jesus
When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it’s not worth the fucking effort.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Activities
Drugs
We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out f**king albums.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Life
Irony
What do atheists scream when they come?
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Sex
Atheists
The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
People
Irony
Pro-life
Ever notice how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved?
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Appearance
Beliefs
Religion
Creationism
Unevolved
It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Beliefs
Government
Opinion
Politics
President
George W. Bush
Satan
I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Characteristics
Bitter & cold
Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Activities
Age
Happiness
Health
Old
Smoking
Children are smarter than any of us; cause I don't know one child with a full time job and children.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Children
Family
Intelligence
I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Entertainment
Television
I love seeing [the Pope] in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass… that’s faith in action folks; you know he’s got God on his side.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Beliefs
Religion
Pope
I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Entertainment
Television