Author: Bill Vaughn

Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

Nothing is more irritating than not being invited to a party you wouldn’t be seen dead at.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

The wonderful world of home appliances now makes it possible to cook indoors with charcoal and outdoors with gas.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve; middle age is when you're forced to.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

A statesman is any politician it’s considered safe to name a school after.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

We learn something every day, and lots of times it’s that what we learned the day before was wrong.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income… which he then spends sending his son to college.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

Pipe-smokers spend so much time cleaning, filling and fooling with their pipes, they don't have time to get into mischief.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

A three-year-old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

It would be nice if the poor were to get even half of the money that is spent in studying them.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

As a nation we are dedicated to keeping physically fit – and parking as close to the stadium as possible.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

Man is the animal that intends to shoot himself out into interplanetary space, after having given up on the problem of an efficient way to get himself five miles to work and back each day.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

When insects take over the world, we hope they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

Muscles come and go; flab lasts.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor