Author: Billy Connolly

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Beliefs Characteristics Religion

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
People Sex Women

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Animals Family Parents

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Men People Sex Women

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes; after that, who cares? … he’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Miscellaneous

I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Places Science/Weather

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Health Self

The scrotum – a design fault, excess elbow skin put in between mens legs to keep their balls so they don't have to hold them in their hand… although it didn't work!

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Appearance Body

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Animals Family Parents

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Health

When people say “It’s always the last place you look;” of course it is… why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Communication

A gypsy girl sent an email to an [advice columnist] “I am 12 years old and haven’t had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?”

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Family

Marriage is a wonderful invention; then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Marriage

In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Places Science/Weather

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Animals

I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Appearance Body

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Places Science/Weather

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Activities Places Things Travel