Author: Billy Crystal

Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail ‘em too.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

I made a cow!

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
TV/Movie Quotes

Women need a reason to have sex; men just need a place.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Men Sex Women

Usually when someone is given an evening like this, they’re way too dead to say thank you.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Death Situations

Ed, have you noticed that the older you get, the younger your girlfriends get? Soon you’ll be dating sperm.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Dating Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

Bonnie, there’s a stampede… in your tent!

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
TV/Movie Quotes

Bonnie: That’s really wonderful. You got him [a calf] to drink from the bottle.

Mitch: Yeah, thank God, ‘cause my nipples were killing me.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
TV/Movie Quotes

Jess: Marriages don’t break up on account of infidelity. It’s just a symptom that something else is wrong.

Harry: Oh really? Well, that “symptom” is fucking my wife.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Marriage

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Age Old

Did you see how leathery he was? He was like a saddlebag with eyes!

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
TV/Movie Quotes

Harry: Her legs looked heavy. Really, she must be retaining water.
Sally: Harry.
Harry: Believe me, the woman saved everything.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
TV/Movie Quotes

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown; the difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Education School Self

So tonight, enjoy yourselves because nothing can take the sting out of the world’s economic problems like watching millionaires present each other with golden statues.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Entertainment