Author: Billy Crystal

Jess: Marriages don’t break up on account of infidelity. It’s just a symptom that something else is wrong.

Harry: Oh really? Well, that “symptom” is fucking my wife.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Marriage

Harry: Her legs looked heavy. Really, she must be retaining water.
Sally: Harry.
Harry: Believe me, the woman saved everything.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
TV/Movie Quotes

I made a cow!

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
TV/Movie Quotes

So tonight, enjoy yourselves because nothing can take the sting out of the world’s economic problems like watching millionaires present each other with golden statues.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Entertainment

Women need a reason to have sex; men just need a place.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Men Sex Women

Bonnie, there’s a stampede… in your tent!

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
TV/Movie Quotes

Bonnie: That’s really wonderful. You got him [a calf] to drink from the bottle.

Mitch: Yeah, thank God, ‘cause my nipples were killing me.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
TV/Movie Quotes

Did you see how leathery he was? He was like a saddlebag with eyes!

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
TV/Movie Quotes

Usually when someone is given an evening like this, they’re way too dead to say thank you.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Death Situations

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown; the difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Education School Self

Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail ‘em too.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

Ed, have you noticed that the older you get, the younger your girlfriends get? Soon you’ll be dating sperm.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Dating Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Age Old