Author: Bob Hope

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Alcohol Emotions Food/Drink

Four of us slept in the one bed; when it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Cold People Self

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that's why the dogs are so fast.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Places

I’m from Los Angeles… I don’t trust any air I can’t see.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Places

Golf is my real profession – show business pays my greens fees.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Acting Entertainment Golf Sports

[Dan] Quayle thinks Roe vs. Wade are two ways to cross the Potomac.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
People

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Characteristics

I was once so broke I forgot whether you cut steak with a knife or drank it with a spoon.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Food/Drink Money Poverty

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Characteristics

Alan Shepard walking on the moon found a golf ball with Gerald Ford’s initials on it.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf Sports

He rules the country with an iron fist – the same way he plays the piano.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Government People

He plays just like a union man… he negotiates the final score.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf Sports

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government… why don’t they just print our money with a return address on it?

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Government Taxes

We have fifty-one golf courses in Palm Springs; he (Gerald Ford) never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf People Sports

He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf Sports

I thought Deep Throat was a movie about a giraffe.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Entertainment Film

I ruined my hands in the ring… the referee kept stepping on them.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Football Sports

I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Government Money Places

Harry had won by such a narrow margin he might not have made it if Bess hadn't voted for her husband.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Elections/Voting Government

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Beliefs Entertainment Film Opinion

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Entertainment Film