Author: Bob Hope

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Characteristics

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
America Places

He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf Sports

The good news is that Jesus is coming back; the bad news is that he's really pissed off.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Anger Emotions

Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Beliefs Golf Honesty Lies Sports

We have fifty-one golf courses in Palm Springs; he (Gerald Ford) never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf People Sports

At least he can’t cheat on his score because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf People Sports

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Entertainment Self

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that's why the dogs are so fast.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Places

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Communication Conversation Intelligence Speech Stupidity

I was once so broke I forgot whether you cut steak with a knife or drank it with a spoon.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Food/Drink Money Poverty

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Alcohol Emotions Food/Drink

Alan Shepard walking on the moon found a golf ball with Gerald Ford’s initials on it.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf Sports

I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter… he's done nothing.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
People

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Age Golf Sports

I ruined my hands in the ring… the referee kept stepping on them.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Football Sports

I’ve been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Activities Age Golf Old Sports Time

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government… why don’t they just print our money with a return address on it?

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Government Taxes

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Marriage

I’ve performed for twelve presidents… and entertained six.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Entertainment People Self

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Age Old