Author: Bob Hope

That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Age Appearance Body Old

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Entertainment Film

Carter wants to go to Washington; he'll feel right at home there – he was raised on a nut farm.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Government People Places

If you watch a game, it’s fun; if you play it, it’s recreation; if you work at it, it’s golf.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf Sports

I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage!

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Activities Travel

I ruined my hands in the ring… the referee kept stepping on them.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Football Sports

The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark…

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf People Sports

You never had to ask his score; just count the casualties.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf Sports

I grew up with six brothers; that’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Dance Entertainment Relationships

Bing (Crosby) doesn't pay income tax; he just calls the government and says, 'How much do you boys need?'

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Government Money Taxes Wealth

I was happy when I fist heard Ronald Reagan was running for the presidency; I’ve always thought, once you’re in show business you should stay in it.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Entertainment

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government… why don’t they just print our money with a return address on it?

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Government Taxes

I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Beliefs Life Religion

The good news is that Jesus is coming back; the bad news is that he's really pissed off.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Anger Emotions

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Age Appearance Body Fat

Oscar night at my house is called Passover.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Communication Wordplay

You can tell he used to be a rancher; he squeezes Republicans like he's milking a cow.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
People

Phyllis Diller’s had so many facelifts, there’s nothing left in her shoes.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Appearance Body

I need money… I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Government Money Wealth

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
America Places

It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Government Money Places Politics