Author: Bob Hope Page 2

I thought Deep Throat was a movie about a giraffe.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage!

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that's why the dogs are so fast.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Phyllis Diller’s had so many facelifts, there’s nothing left in her shoes.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter… he's done nothing.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem; they're all running for the presidency.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

He rules the country with an iron fist – the same way he plays the piano.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

The good news is that Jesus is coming back; the bad news is that he's really pissed off.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark…

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Ronnie's hero is Calvin Coolidge and Nancy's is Calvin Klein.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't come to Vietnam, I'd send for it.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw  at me.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Golf is my real profession – show business pays my greens fees.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Carter wants to go to Washington; he'll feel right at home there – he was raised on a nut farm.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor