Author: Bob Hope Page 4

Surprise me.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Last words

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Age Fat Golf Sports

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that's why the dogs are so fast.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Places

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government… why don’t they just print our money with a return address on it?

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Government Taxes

You still chase women, but only downhill.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Dating Old

Golf is my real profession – show business pays my greens fees.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Acting Entertainment Golf Sports

If he slices the budget like he slices a (golf) ball, the nation has nothing to worry about.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf Government People Sports

The reason Jack Benny is looking so sad these days is that he’s not only losing a daughter – but losing a deduction too.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Frugal Money

I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter… he's done nothing.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
People

I need money… I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Government Money Wealth

He rules the country with an iron fist – the same way he plays the piano.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Government People

We have fifty-one golf courses in Palm Springs; he (Gerald Ford) never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf People Sports

Ronnie's hero is Calvin Coolidge and Nancy's is Calvin Klein.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
People

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Characteristics

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Alcohol Emotions Food/Drink

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Situations Time

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Age Old

Alan Shepard walking on the moon found a golf ball with Gerald Ford’s initials on it.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf Sports

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Communication Entertainment Music

I went to Moscow once; it was so cold at night one guy fell out of bed and broke his pajamas.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Cold Places Science/Weather

Harry had won by such a narrow margin he might not have made it if Bess hadn't voted for her husband.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Elections/Voting Government