Author: Brian Kiley

Even my blood type is O apostrophe.

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Places

I was in a bookstore the other day and asked the woman behind the counter where the self-help section was; she said, “If I told you, that would defeat the whole purpose.”

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Books Communication

When I was a kid I used to play doctor with this little girl in my neighborhood and one time we got caught… luckily, it was a Wednesday and we were just playing golf.

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Doctors Occupations Work

There’s always one teacher you had a crush on; for me, it’s my wife’s aerobics instructor.

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Education Relationships

My Dad’s allergic to cotton; he has pills he can take but he can’t get them out of the bottle.

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Health

We picked out old-fashioned names for our kids; our little boy is Hunter and our little girl is Gatherer. 

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Children Family

Now what I don't get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll; are you trying to quit?

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Shopping Situations

From time to time, my mother puts on her wedding dress; not because she’s sentimental, she just gets really far behind on her laundry.

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Family Mothers

I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.

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Communication Marriage Speech

When she was pregnant, she would get these cravings in the middle of the night… for other men.

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Marriage Wives

She admitted to me recently that when she first met me, she didn't really like me very much; but luckily for me, she really wanted to stay in this country.

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Marriage Wives

My dad fought in World War II, and he never talks about it, of course – ’cause he’s Japanese.

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Communication Family Fathers Places

My wife told me today that I'm gonna become a father for the very first time; the bad news is – we already have two kids.

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Children Marriage Wives

Went to the doctor's last week, he said, 'Have you had sex in the last seven days?' … and I said, 'No, my birthday's in April.'

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Marriage Sex