Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Brian Kiley
From time to time, my mother puts on her wedding dress; not because she’s sentimental, she just gets really far behind on her laundry.
Brian Kiley
comedian
Family
Mothers
Laundry
Wedding dress
My dad fought in World War II, and he never talks about it, of course – ’cause he’s Japanese.
Brian Kiley
comedian
Communication
Family
Fathers
Places
Japanese
World War II
I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.
Brian Kiley
comedian
Communication
Marriage
Speech
My Dad’s allergic to cotton; he has pills he can take but he can’t get them out of the bottle.
Brian Kiley
comedian
Health
Allergies
When I was a kid I used to play doctor with this little girl in my neighborhood and one time we got caught… luckily, it was a Wednesday and we were just playing golf.
Brian Kiley
comedian
Doctors
Occupations
Work
I was in a bookstore the other day and asked the woman behind the counter where the self-help section was; she said, “If I told you, that would defeat the whole purpose.”
Brian Kiley
comedian
Books
Communication
Self-help
We picked out old-fashioned names for our kids; our little boy is Hunter and our little girl is Gatherer.
Brian Kiley
comedian
Children
Family
Went to the doctor's last week, he said, 'Have you had sex in the last seven days?' … and I said, 'No, my birthday's in April.'
Brian Kiley
comedian
Marriage
Sex
There’s always one teacher you had a crush on; for me, it’s my wife’s aerobics instructor.
Brian Kiley
comedian
Education
Relationships
Crushes
Teachers
She admitted to me recently that when she first met me, she didn't really like me very much; but luckily for me, she really wanted to stay in this country.
Brian Kiley
comedian
Marriage
Wives
Fear of deportation
Even my blood type is O apostrophe.
Brian Kiley
comedian
Places
Ireland
On being ‘super’ Irish
My wife told me today that I'm gonna become a father for the very first time; the bad news is – we already have two kids.
Brian Kiley
comedian
Children
Marriage
Wives
Now what I don't get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll; are you trying to quit?
Brian Kiley
comedian
Shopping
Situations
Toilet paper
When she was pregnant, she would get these cravings in the middle of the night… for other men.
Brian Kiley
comedian
Marriage
Wives
Cravings
Pregnancy