Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Charles 'Chic' Murray
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Family
Housework
Mothers
Sleepwalking
The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Age
Things
Boats
Long John Silver
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling… the rest I spend foolishly.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Alcohol
Money
Women
Gambling
Spending
If it weren’t for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Conflict
Fights
Marriage
It was raining cats and dogs, and I fell in a poodle.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Animals
Cats
Dogs
Rain
My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Animals
Cats
Dogs
Relationships
Barking
Sisters
A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
People
Scots
My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Family
Parents
Self
Understanding
Japan
After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash [mine] for a month.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Appearance
Clothing
Underwear
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Characteristics
Situations
Left-handed
Out of place
Violins
A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches – two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Eating
Food/Drink
Money
Poverty
Sandwiches
I have a gold watch he [my father] sold to me on his deathbed; I wrote him a check for it… post-dated of course.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Death
Family
Fathers
Watch
I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Age
Education
School
Development
Teachers
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers… he was wanted for rustling.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Appearance
Clothing
Situations
I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows; when I woke up, my pillow was missing.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Situations
Sleep
Dreams
Marshmallows
Pillows
It was all the wolf could do to keep us away from his door.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Animals
Money
Poverty
Wolves
She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Marriage
Drip-dry
Wedding dress
She’s a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
People
Women
Tattoos
My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Family
Fathers
Fools
Intelligence
Mothers
People
Self
Simpletons
If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Situations
My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Appearance
Body
Marriage
Wives
Mudpack
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