Author: Christopher Titus

We still… cannot catch Osama bin Laden, but we nailed Martha Stewart's ass to the wall.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Failure Government Law People

Ladies, if you’re at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you… he… loves you.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Men People Relationships

If… you have never contemplated suicide… you’ve never truly been in love; if… you have never contemplated murder…you’ve never been divorced.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage

I lost 28 pounds in my divorce… because that’s what a soul weighs.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage

At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?'… 'Oh, honey – that's up to Mommy, isn't it?'

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Conflict Killing Marriage Wives

Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett!

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
People

Martha Stewart’s a convicted felon and they gave her another television show… what’s next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Entertainment Television

We don’t have home movies in my family… we have people’s exhibit A.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Family

My dad’s third heart attack, he’d gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because, ‘They won’t let me smoke in the ambulance!' and ‘You can’t make a burger run.'

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Health

Pope John Paul didn't die… he pre-boarded.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Death

I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006; yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan’s anus – but for legal reasons, I have to call her, “Kate.”

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Wives

Be normal, and the crowd will accept you… be deranged, and they will make you their leader.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Characteristics People