Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Christopher Titus
Martha Stewart’s a convicted felon and they gave her another television show… what’s next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?
Christopher Titus
(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Entertainment
Television
Martha Stewart
My dad’s third heart attack, he’d gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because, ‘They won’t let me smoke in the ambulance!' and ‘You can’t make a burger run.'
Christopher Titus
(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Health
Heart attack
If… you have never contemplated suicide… you’ve never truly been in love; if… you have never contemplated murder…you’ve never been divorced.
Christopher Titus
(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Divorce
Marriage
Suicide
Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett!
Christopher Titus
(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
People
Lady Gaga
At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?'… 'Oh, honey – that's up to Mommy, isn't it?'
Christopher Titus
(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Conflict
Killing
Marriage
Wives
I lost 28 pounds in my divorce… because that’s what a soul weighs.
Christopher Titus
(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Divorce
Marriage
We still… cannot catch Osama bin Laden, but we nailed Martha Stewart's ass to the wall.
Christopher Titus
(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Failure
Government
Law
People
Martha Stewart
Osama bin Laden
Ladies, if you’re at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you… he… loves you.
Christopher Titus
(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Men
People
Relationships
We don’t have home movies in my family… we have people’s exhibit A.
Christopher Titus
(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Family
Be normal, and the crowd will accept you… be deranged, and they will make you their leader.
Christopher Titus
(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Characteristics
People
Behavior
Pope John Paul didn't die… he pre-boarded.
Christopher Titus
(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Death
Pope John Paul
I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006; yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan’s anus – but for legal reasons, I have to call her, “Kate.”
Christopher Titus
(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Divorce
Marriage
Wives