Author: Dane Cook

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day… I make sure it’s with an elderly person holding a baby.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs Situations

I can't wait to get Nick's [DiPaolo's] new comedy album, its called “Stop me if you heard this in junior high school.”

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
Insults

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations

If a comic tells a joke, and no one is there to hear it, is Nick DiPaolo on stage?

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
Insults

Valentine’s Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love… unless you’re single & lonely then it’s called Laundry Day.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
Emotions Love

You're flickin' around, all of a sudden – boom – you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
Entertainment Science/Weather Television

In the year 3000, everything will be instant… but the DMV will still take, like, nine f**king seconds.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
Future Time