Author: Daniel Tosh

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Entertainment Music

Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble… bring your own book… I haven't written one yet.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Books Communication

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Marriage

Am I getting smart with you? … how would you know?

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Intelligence

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Education England Places School

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
People Situations

Everyone should have to wait tables for one year of their lives, so they realize their ranch dressing isn’t that fucking important.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Life Occupations People Work

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Entertainment Television

I just hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I am tired of walking 5Ks.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Activities Health

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had… so he sent me to a girls school.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Education Fathers School

You know your girlfriend is too young when she’ll do everything in bed but go upside down because it’s too scary.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Age Girlfriends Sex Young

I'm a lousy piece of ass… and I should know… every man I have been with has told me so.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Sex

Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t enjoy it as an adult.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Sex

I hope God speaks English; if I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Beliefs Communication Eating God Language

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Food/Drink

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Communication Language Speech

Men are simple things; they can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Men People

Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Age Friends People Self

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
People

When you ever hear girls say that "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual," I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Beliefs Characteristics Honesty Religion