Author: Dave Barry
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
A dropped object will fall with an acceleration of 32 feet per second per second, and if it is your wallet, it will make every effort to land in a public toilet.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion rules, including: both of your socks should always be the same color, or they should at least both be fairly dark.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Calculus: The branch of mathematics that is so scary it causes everybody to stop studying mathematics.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The great thing about golf – and this is the reason why a lot of health experts like me recommend it – you can drink beer and ride in a cart while you play.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist