Author: Dave Barry
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
You can, legally, possibly hit and kill a fellow golfer with a ball, and there will not be a lot of trouble because the other golfers will refuse to stop and be witnesses, because they will want to keep playing.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies.’
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Taking care of a newborn baby means devoting yourself, body and soul, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to the welfare of someone whose major response, in the way of positive reinforcement, is to throw up on you.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
While you can only be young once, you can always be immature.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years… or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The word “user” is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command… very often, that person is crazy.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist