Author: Dave Barry

This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

User: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Not all chemicals are bad; without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The reason it’s called “Grape Nuts” is that it … is catchier, in terms of marketing, than “A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel,” which is what it tastes like.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to a hostile, deadly, alien environment; we already have Miami.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Bill Gates is a very rich man today… and do you want to know why?… the answer is one word: versions.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Megahertz: this is a really, really big hertz.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake; I feel better already!

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The great thing about golf – and this is the reason why a lot of health experts like me recommend it – you can drink beer and ride in a cart while you play.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the states, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist