Author: Dave Barry Page 2
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
While you can only be young once, you can always be immature.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The reason it’s called “Grape Nuts” is that it … is catchier, in terms of marketing, than “A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel,” which is what it tastes like.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
A dropped object will fall with an acceleration of 32 feet per second per second, and if it is your wallet, it will make every effort to land in a public toilet.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Taking care of a newborn baby means devoting yourself, body and soul, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to the welfare of someone whose major response, in the way of positive reinforcement, is to throw up on you.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system; the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to a hostile, deadly, alien environment; we already have Miami.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the states, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly,’ meaning ‘many,’ and the word ‘ticks,’ meaning ‘blood sucking parasites.’
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist