Author: Dave Barry Page 2
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
You can, legally, possibly hit and kill a fellow golfer with a ball, and there will not be a lot of trouble because the other golfers will refuse to stop and be witnesses, because they will want to keep playing.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
It always rains on tents; rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Most people make babies out to be very complicated, but the truth is they have only three moods:
1.Just about to cry 2. Crying 3. Just finished crying.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist