Author: Dave Barry Page 2
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly,’ meaning ‘many,’ and the word ‘ticks,’ meaning ‘blood sucking parasites.’
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Men – because of a tragic flaw – cannot see dirt until there is enough of it to support agriculture.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion rules, including: both of your socks should always be the same color, or they should at least both be fairly dark.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years… or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system; the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist