Author: Dave Barry Page 2

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The great thing about golf – and this is the reason why a lot of health experts like me recommend it – you can drink beer and ride in a cart while you play.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Gravity is a contributing factor in 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

New York is the only place where if you have talent, and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do then some day, maybe – just maybe – you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist