Author: Dave Barry Page 3

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to a hostile, deadly, alien environment; we already have Miami.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the states, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Boogers Are My Beat

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

There are no seeing eye cats, of course, because the sole function of cats, in the Great Chain of Life, is to cause harm to human beings.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command… very often, that person is crazy.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The great thing about golf – and this is the reason why a lot of health experts like me recommend it – you can drink beer and ride in a cart while you play.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science; Dennis Rodman is only one example.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years… or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist