Author: Dave Barry Page 4
There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
'You scratch my back, and I'll suck blood out of yours' – that is the insect motto.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Bill Gates is a very rich man today… and do you want to know why?… the answer is one word: versions.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
It always rains on tents; rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
To better understand why you need a personal computer, let’s take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to a hostile, deadly, alien environment; we already have Miami.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command… very often, that person is crazy.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist