Author: Dave Barry Page 5
This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Most people make babies out to be very complicated, but the truth is they have only three moods:
1.Just about to cry 2. Crying 3. Just finished crying.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake; I feel better already!
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
To better understand why you need a personal computer, let’s take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The word “user” is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Taking care of a newborn baby means devoting yourself, body and soul, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to the welfare of someone whose major response, in the way of positive reinforcement, is to throw up on you.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command… very often, that person is crazy.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The reason it’s called “Grape Nuts” is that it … is catchier, in terms of marketing, than “A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel,” which is what it tastes like.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to a hostile, deadly, alien environment; we already have Miami.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist