Author: Dave Barry Page 5
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science; Dennis Rodman is only one example.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
'You scratch my back, and I'll suck blood out of yours' – that is the insect motto.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
There are no seeing eye cats, of course, because the sole function of cats, in the Great Chain of Life, is to cause harm to human beings.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command… very often, that person is crazy.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The reason it’s called “Grape Nuts” is that it … is catchier, in terms of marketing, than “A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel,” which is what it tastes like.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist