Author: Demetri Martin

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name… DJ Abraham Lincoln.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey?

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Science/Weather

I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Food/Drink

So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments; luckily there was a number on the box.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Eating Food/Drink

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Health Insults

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Self

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ – but any number in between? … uhuh.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Clothing Situations Sleep Things

I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games; it’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games

My plumbing is all screwed up… because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations

I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Fear

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals

I see cards that say ‘Get Well Soon’ … F**k that, get well now!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Health

This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things