Author: Demetri Martin

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games Health

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws… only catapults.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat Things

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name… DJ Abraham Lincoln.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

They should call fishing what it really is… tricking and killing!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals Language Sports

If you can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re fat.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Things

I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games; it’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Conflict Fights Food/Drink

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”… I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export (and then import.)

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games Places

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Shopping Situations Things Time

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Books Communication Language Reading/Writing

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce – instantly.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Past Things Time

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things Time