Author: Demetri Martin

On the downside, it's loaded with sexual predators; on the plus side, it's also loaded with sexual prey.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Crime Science/Weather Sex

Hiking is just walking where it’s ok to pee.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

Per capita – just about everyone has no idea what a ‘capita’ is.

(1973 – ) American comedian
People

I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games; it’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces… and when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

I want to make a revolving door that says “Pull” on it, just see how obedient people are.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Characteristics

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Food/Drink Games

If you can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re fat.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Fear

If I ever saw bat shit, I’d be like, ‘that’s crazy.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Intelligence Situations

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Conflict Crime Situations

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Reading/Writing

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Beliefs God People

I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations

I used to play sports, then I realized you can buy trophies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sports

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added “ish” to every number.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Time

I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities