Author: Demetri Martin Page 2

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Self

My plumbing is all screwed up… because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

The difference between a child’s toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sex Things

I wanna put stickers on turtles… I don’t know why.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Reading/Writing

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Entertainment

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things Time

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce – instantly.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Past Things Time

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Food/Drink

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey?

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Science/Weather

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Autos Situations Things

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him, but life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me; then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.

(1973 – ) American comedian
People Self Situations

I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ – but any number in between? … uhuh.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Reading/Writing