Author: Demetri Martin Page 2

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export (and then import.)

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games Places

If you can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re fat.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces… and when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

When they were naming the animals somebody got lazy… whats he doing?… eating ants… DONE!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Language

Another term for a balloon is a bad breath holder.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

I want to make a revolving door that says “Pull” on it, just see how obedient people are.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Characteristics

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games People

The difference between a child’s toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sex Things

I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Dating Relationships Things

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Food/Drink

I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said “you’re an asshole.”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Books Communication Language Reading/Writing

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Reading/Writing

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Death

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize,’ … except at a funeral.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Death Language

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me; then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.

(1973 – ) American comedian
People Self Situations

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Self

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ – but any number in between? … uhuh.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language