Author: Demetri Martin Page 2

So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments; luckily there was a number on the box.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Eating Food/Drink

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Death

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws… only catapults.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat Things

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Autos Situations Things

I was asked to name all the presidents… I thought they already had names.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Government President

When they were naming the animals somebody got lazy… whats he doing?… eating ants… DONE!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Language

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Intelligence Wisdom

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”… I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

If you can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re fat.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat

‘Finger Puppet’ sounds OK as a noun.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Reading/Writing

I used to play sports; then I realized you can buy trophies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sports

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Entertainment

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ – but any number in between? … uhuh.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name… DJ Abraham Lincoln.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce… instantly.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Time

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things Time

I see cards that say ‘Get Well Soon’ … F**k that, get well now!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Health

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce – instantly.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Past Things Time