Author: Demetri Martin Page 3

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication

I think vests are all about protection; like a life vest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Autos Situations Things

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Books Communication People Reading/Writing

I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games; it’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey?

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Science/Weather

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Emotions Food/Drink Things

I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Time

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Beliefs God People

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him, but life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added “ish” to every number.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Time

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”… I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games People

On the downside, it's loaded with sexual predators; on the plus side, it's also loaded with sexual prey.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Crime Science/Weather Sex

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Clothing Situations Sleep Things

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name… DJ Abraham Lincoln.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Dating Relationships Things