Author: Demetri Martin Page 4

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Books Communication Language Reading/Writing

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Health Insults

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces… and when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games Health

Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Shopping Situations Things Time

If you can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re fat.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

Hiking is just walking where it’s ok to pee.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Food/Drink

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export (and then import.)

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games Places

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Reading/Writing

I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games; it’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things Time

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Self

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication

I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said “you’re an asshole.”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Books Communication Language Reading/Writing

I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

If I ever saw bat shit, I’d be like, ‘that’s crazy.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Intelligence Situations

‘Finger Puppet’ sounds OK as a noun.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

My plumbing is all screwed up… because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I see cards that say ‘Get Well Soon’ … F**k that, get well now!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Health