Author: Demetri Martin Page 4

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

If I ever saw bat shit, I’d be like, ‘that’s crazy.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Intelligence Situations

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I have an ‘l’ shaped sofa… lower case.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

If you can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re fat.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce… instantly.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Time

I wanna put stickers on turtles… I don’t know why.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export (and then import.)

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games Places

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Beliefs God People

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Books Communication People Reading/Writing

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations

I think vests are all about protection; like a life vest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces… and when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

‘Finger Puppet’ sounds OK as a noun.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

Hiking is just walking where it’s ok to pee.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Fear

I was asked to name all the presidents… I thought they already had names.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Government President

I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games; it’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Death