Author: Demetri Martin Page 4

When they were naming the animals somebody got lazy… whats he doing?… eating ants… DONE!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Language

I wanna put stickers on turtles… I don’t know why.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Entertainment

I used to play sports; then I realized you can buy trophies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sports

Another term for a balloon is a bad breath holder.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

‘Employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Work

I think vests are all about protection; like a life vest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Health Insults Situations

I have an ‘l’ shaped sofa… lower case.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Emotions Food/Drink Things

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Reading/Writing

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Books Communication People Reading/Writing

They should call fishing what it really is… tricking and killing!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals Language Sports

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize,’ … except at a funeral.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Death Language

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey?

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Science/Weather

I used to play sports, then I realized you can buy trophies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sports

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things