Author: Don Rickles

What do you eat for dinner … furniture?

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults

Elizabeth, you gotta stop calling me… I’m going with someone.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults

Barbara and I celebrated our 51st wedding anniversary yesterday… we are very happy, but I would be happier if she got a job!

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults Marriage Self

Scorsese was our director; he had phone books under his ass so he could see the actors.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults

Is that your wife? … Oh, well, keep your chin up.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Fat Insults

When you enter the room, you have to kiss his ring; I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

Come on in, Frank… make yourself at home – hit somebody.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults

No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
People

I’m always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I’m not going to offend!

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Entertainment

Oh my God, look at you; anyone else hurt in the accident?

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Insults

That’s it, laugh it up; you’re making $50 million a year and your poor parents are back in Nebraska eating locusts for dinner.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults

When I started here I worked in a place where the Sky Room was on the second floor.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Places

Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

Yeah, I make fun of blacks, and why not? … I’m not a black.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults People

The thing I love about Vegas is that it’s a melting pot; it’s like working Ellis Island.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Places

Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults People

He’s a wonderful guy… you talk to him, it’s like being alone.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults

I’ve got an accountant who’s been with me forty years; if he makes a mistake, he dies.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Miscellaneous

Hey lady, this is what you’re gonna hear; iIf you’re waitin’ for Billy Graham to come in and make a kid walk again, forget about it.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults

Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder?

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Clothing Insults

Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage People Situations