Author: Doug Larson

An optimist thinks this is the best of all worlds; a pessimist fears the same may be true.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

There are worse things than getting a call for the wrong number at 4 a.m… it could be the right number.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

What some people mistake for the high cost of living is really the cost of high living.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

A child is a person who can’t understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

Ice hockey is a form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept. 

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

There must be a happy medium somewhere between being totally informed and blissfully unaware.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

Sometimes opportunity knocks, but most of the time it sneaks up and then quietly steals away.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.


(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist