Author: Dov Davidoff

I’ve decided to become gay… not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.

American comedian & actor
Activities Housework

You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.

American comedian & actor
Activities Drugs Situations

At the gym; I’ve given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

American comedian & actor
Activities

‘Homemade’ sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.

American comedian & actor
Appearance Body

Why's God always got such wacky shit to say?… when's the last time you heard somebody say, 'God told me to get a muffin and a cup of tea and cool out, man.'

American comedian & actor
Beliefs Communication God Speech

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren’t leaving that much on the table in the first place.

American comedian & actor
Sex

Marriage is supposed to be permanent; it’s like a tattoo that yells at you.

American comedian & actor
Marriage

Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.

American comedian & actor
Food/Drink

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she’s what’s known as “not at all attracted to me.”

American comedian & actor
Beliefs

I didn’t know you could name a Puerto Rican ‘Israel’ ‘cause I’m pretty sure you’ll never meet a Jew named ‘Puerto Rico.'

American comedian & actor
People

My dad was old school Jewish… not do your taxes Jewish – steal your car Jewish.

American comedian & actor
Beliefs Religion

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like “no he didn’t, clearly there was a struggle”.

American comedian & actor
Miscellaneous

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

American comedian & actor
Life